Your A-Z Guide to the Perfect Life...

Critic Randolph Quigley reviews a book from the oozingly robust self-help market.

Quigley here, armed with my verdict on this week's book selection:

“Your A-Z Guide to the Perfect Life…”

by Doctor Barnabas Bandwagon

Although relatively new, the book has already sold over ONE MILLION copies in hard cover, and frankly, this reviewer is beyond puzzled. In this case, not only is the emperor naked, but essentially mooning the masses with each and every royalty deposited into his swollen, unworthy bank account.

As always, I present an excerpt -- the opening third of this 26-page “Guide” is for the few of you out there who have not already drunk the Kool-Aid and wasted thirty bucks.

***EXCERPT***

"FORWARD BY AUTHOR

Lucky you! The pages of this succinct little treasure contain all you will ever need, from A to Z, to achieve happiness, bliss, nirvana, riches... whatever. Yeah, it's a small book, but remember, minimalism is all the rage. Are you cool enough to be minimalist too? I thought so! Enjoy! It's your key to a Perfect Life, presented in Alphabetic Magnificence:

(Page 1)

A:

Align your soul...

Also Align your body with the cash register of your local bookstore, with this book in one hand, your wallet in the other...

Amazon sells it too, of course!

(Page 2)

B:

Beauty, see it everywhere...

Be generous...

Buy a copy of this book for everyone you know.

(Page 3)

C:

Cool, be cool, stay cool...

Catch this Author’s book signing...

Create space on your book shelves for future titles from this author.

(Page 4)

D:

Divine is in, so stick with all things Divine...

Don’t forget to stock up and have this book on hand as gifts...

Donate a few copies of this book to your favorite charity.

(Page 5)

E:

Ethereal beings are cool to think about, so think about them...

Even your crabby boss deserves the very best in books, so toss your differences aside and get them a copy.

(Page 6)

F:

Fairies, and angels are also kinda cool, so think about them too...

FOMO - If you don’t buy this book you really WILL be missing out! Everyone’s getting a copy! Hurry!!!!"

***END EXCERPT***

I think you get the picture. Clearly, what the book lacks in substance is compensated for with an inane series of ellipses... not to mention a blatant attempt to hide utter laziness under the guise of minimalism. Surely this book took no longer to write than the time it takes to say "homage to gullibility."

I thought I had seen the worst with similar self-help books that spark the same question: Valuable information or charlatan’s readable snake oil? Examples include:

“Your Key to the Most Exquisite Everything Possible if You Own This Book”

and

“Ten Steps to a Problem-Free, Zen-Like, Absolutely Splendid, For God’s Sake Just Buy this Fucking Book, Life.”

(As some of you may recall from the news, after negatively reviewing the latter, my car was keyed, and live ravens repeatedly stuffed through my mail slot.) Although these two book examples offer more in pages than today’s subject, which is good in the “at least I’m getting something for my money” way, it remains a calamity that any trees whatsoever were sacrificed in their production.

But back to today’s selection, it will come as no surprise that I give this book, “Your A-Z Guide to the Perfect Life…” ZERO stars and, for the first time ever, TWO raspberries -- one for sheer gall, and one for the downright insulting entry on page 24, under the letter X:

***EXCERPT***

"(Page 24)

X:

X-ray...

Xylophone..."

***END EXCERPT***

A further note: the author’s first name is actually “Doctor,” surely fabricated to mislead the vulnerable. Doctor Barnabas Bandwagon insists it is truly his birth name, but has refused to produce a birth certificate, first claiming he couldn’t find it, then changing his story to “it was lost in the fire.” What fire? There are no records of the author experiencing a fire, and he has failed to produce any proof of flame documents. Let’s all send raspberries his way!

Please join me for my next review… Well, Surprise! It’s not actually a review, but a reveal of my very own book, “Everyman’s Guide to Fixing Anything from a Keyed Car to an Oversized, Raven-Accommodating Mail Slot.” Available soon!