A Warning to Makers of Handy Kitchen Gadgets

Few things are sacred in our litigious society.

On Saturday, the Alliance of Hypnotists Named Susan (AOHNS) gathered once again on the front steps of Powell Kitchen Products Corporation, in protest over the name of their most popular product: the "Lazy Susan." For those unfamiliar, this name is used to reference the ubiquitous, often plastic and invariably squeaky, condiment turntable.

While most Susans throughout the world shrug it off as no big deal, this particular demographic has deemed the term damaging. They threaten legal action, and hope to drag anyone who markets the table top darling through a Hell hotter than the Tabasco Sauce found atop its spinning form.

MN&R attended the rally, relishing the opportunity to chat with supporters on both sides of the issue.

Spokeswoman for the group, aptly named Susan, shared their concerns. “We believe the offensive adjective preceding our name rests in the public subconscious and flavors the way we’re viewed. As the device spins, a hypnotic state is induced, so that deep down the world sees us as a slovenly bunch, without even understanding why. As hypnotists, we understand these subliminal things.”

On the opposite side of the dispute, company owner and kitchen product distributor, Dick Powell, is equally hungry to ensure the name stays exactly as it is. “What’s the point after this long, anyway?" he asks. "You think if you change it to ‘Twirlybird,’ or whatever, anyone’s gonna use that new name? Not a chance! Look at the Sears Tower in Chicago. Oops, I mean Willis Tower… Haha! NOT! I mean Sears. It’ll always be Sears. See what I mean?”

Mr. Powell also challenges the Susans on their use of the word “sue” to describe the very thing they are allegedly threatening. “How can you Susans sue without seeing the irony?” Mr. Powell grew alarmingly animated at this point, gesticulating with both upper and lower body. “Sue’s gonna SUE someone. Whoopeedoo!”

AOHNS supporters immediately shot him down: “Not all Susans shorten their name to Sue. So shut up, Dick.” This comment prompted lively discussion as to why he himself hasn’t come up with someone to sue over that s****y name.

Other critics of the AOHNS movement wonder why their namesake is okay for fancy “legal" actions, but spins trouble when used to brand a practical device that allows diners to forgo the incessant “hey, gimme the ketchup.” Spokeswoman Susan again reminded critics that names Susan and Sue are not necessarily one and the same.

To his eventual detriment, Mr. Powell concluded with one last thought. “After three months of protests and legal threats, the plaintiffs have yet to secure an attorney. In other words… lots of fuss from this little group, but no concrete action. Why is this? Too busy? Losing steam? Or, perhaps, just plain… well, what would you call that, Susan?”

Upon hearing this, Spokeswoman Susan demonstrated how the spinning condiment device can also be used as a frisbee. Mr. Powell was not prepared to catch.

Once fitted for dentures, Mr. Powell will return to continue his counter protest. Stay tuned.

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Image credit: IKEA