Message in Bottle Deemed "Phony Baloney"

The long-awaited revelation that's kept history buffs on pins and needles.

It’s been six long months since the celebrated “message in a bottle” washed up on the shores of the Grift family property in Upper Michigan, and the world is more than ready to hear the verdict on its authenticity.

For those of you without access to the internet or news these past months, or perhaps just distracted by other news, the story broke in late February, when Mr. and Mrs. Gus Grift allegedly found a bottle washed up on their property… but not just any bottle. This treasure contained a rolled up slip of paper, its message reading:

“Hello, fine folks of the future. I am writing this from 22 B.C. There is a young fellow in

our midst who is born to a virgin and growing up nicely! Remember, you heard it here

first. Signed, Peter”

Experts at “History Iz Us” were consulted shortly after the finding, and have taken their time scrutinizing the document. At long last, their verdict: “The bottle and its message are phony baloney, utter hogwash, and if we dare say, a sizable hunk of bullsh… well you know the other part of that word." (HIU has a strict “no foul language regarding artifacts” policy.)

While "pro-bottlers" insist the historians have some kind of grudge against the Grifts, or “just jealous” as one put it, evidence has been presented and facts do seem to point to chicanery, including the following:

1) The message arrived in a Coca-Cola bottle. Studies show that Coca-Cola first came on to the scene in the late 1800’s. Although it’s true that same beverage might have, coincidentally, existed during the time of said written letter, doubts have been raised, particularly because the ingredient list is identical to the waist-expanding, dentist’s dream of today. "There's no evidence of high fructose corn syrup existing in 22 B.C." declared one historian. "And what's with the 'bottled in Atlanta' message at the bottom? America wasn't even a thing yet, let alone Atlanta."

2) The rolled-up parchment contains a logo of a bitten apple. While the Grifts argue that it was clearly the logo for Adam and Eve, historians believe it's from a more current company.

3) The bottle “washed up” on the shore of Grift Pond, a land-locked body of water, deep in the woods up Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Although it’s possible that over the centuries, it might have found its way via rivers or floods, likelihood is low. Grift Pond, which accommodates two canoes maximum, is so deep inland, it took the historians a full day in an all-terrain vehicle to reach it.

4) Lastly, the Grifts have a history of attempting to defraud the public. Past incidents include digging up “ancient” pots that turned out to be from Home Goods, discovering a scorched kite, and presenting Monopoly money at the local supermarket.

Aside from their loyal, pro-bottle friends, other folks say the Grifts better change their ways, or their credibility could disappear for good. “Man’s only as good as his reputation,” declared a neighbor named Ned. “They keep this up, people are gonna stop believing 'em.”

The Grifts have not been available for comment, and a sizable "Gone Shoppin'" sign hangs on their front door. Rumor has it they've been buying up gauze and plaster like crazy, but nobody knows what that's all about. Apparently, mum's the word.