Clown's Career Ruined by a Lemon

When GMO spells SOL for an unsuspecting consumer.

Ralph Weaver had plans to whip up his famous kick-ass, spiked lemonade when he bought a bag of fresh lemons from Dill’s Farm Stand in upstate Florida. Turns out it’s not lemons he’s squeezing, but rather, the actual farm stand owners, and he’s squeezing for every penny they have.

After sampling a single lemon, Mr. Weaver’s face has been permanently altered — frozen into what doctors are calling a “perma-pucker” — due to genetic modification experimentation by lemon vendor, Dirk Dill.

Initially, Dill, a retired scientist, denied culpability for the change in Mr. Weaver’s countenance. However, after a bit of pressing Dill broke down, admitting that he had indeed conjured up latent scientific skills and fussed with the lemon’s genetics.

But why? What would possess someone to secretly embark on a quest to mutate the lovely lemon? Mr. Dill offered an explanation: “I did it for my wife, Bethshida. She is well known in these parts for her RBF, also known as Resting Bitch Face. She could be happy as a lark inside, yet still look like a scowling ‘ol grumpus, and I wanted others to know how that feels. You know, misery loves company. My poor Bethshida.”

When asked about personal involvement in her husband’s GMO experiment, Ms. Dill claimed she knew nothing about it at the time, but insists the gesture has made her love and appreciate him all the more. “I’m very happy Dirk would do this for me. In fact, I’m ecstatic,” she quipped, although her face still resembled that of a full-on crusty crab-ass.

Meanwhile, the facial alteration has forced Mr. Weaver to resign as “Popcorn the Clown.” With intense wrinkling around his mouth, clown-white makeup no longer stays adhered, giving the whole area an alarming appearance, somehow bordering on obscene. Adults and children alike have gone from calling him “Popcorn” to “Prune Puss,” an epithet many psychologists deem more damaging than “Resting Bitch.”

“The ironic thing is I couldn’t have a resting bitch face, anyway,” Weaver declared. “I’m not a woman.” Unfortunately, that comment only served to augment his prune puss with a black eye.

Trial begins in March.