UFO Spotted at Wimbledon!

Flying projectile distracts players, spectators and strawberries 'n cream vendors.

Was it a bird? A plane? No, it was… a Wimbledon line umpire, soaring at high speed across the All England Tennis Club last Friday. For a moment, puzzled tennis lovers believed they had just witnessed an extraterrestrial phenomenon.

Instead, the spectacle was the result of a simple change in equipment, specifically, the high chair used by club line umpires. The tennis club, seeking “fresh and new” in tall chair design, hired The Rambunctious Rebel Chair Company to replace the club’s long-standing, but impossibly boring, vendor. Rambunctious Rebel guaranteed line umps would enjoy “tall chair excellence” with that “extra pizazz” for overseeing the court. If only someone had thought to ask exactly what that “extra pizazz” might be.

Prior to launching his chair company, owner Hal “Rambunctious” Rebel flew for many years as a test pilot and thus, firmly believes no chair on the planet should be without an eject feature. In his own words: "All manner of ass-planter must be equipped with a rapid means of escape in case of emergency. Pizazz equals safety. Period. End of story." As a result, each and every one of his products, from the chair in this case to the swing on your Grandma’s front porch, is equipped with an eject feature. Clearly, this information would have proven useful at an earlier point, possibly altering the tennis club's selection altogether.

On the day of what is now known as the “UFO incident," a heavy dose of hot summer sun caused the chair’s sensor to mistake the heat for an actual fire, catapulting the unsuspecting umpire clear across the court, over the fence and headlong into a hydrangea bush on Somerset Road. He was not wearing a helmet. Aside from the concussion, his injuries are, miraculously, non-life threatening. He is suing, nonetheless. Oh boy, you betcha, he is suing.

Mr. Rebel counters that the umpire should have been wearing head protection, but as the officials, or anyone at all for that matter, were unaware of the ejection aspect, they maintain it was not a consideration. Still, Mr. Rebel claims innocence and remains unapologetic. "Besides," he hooted, "Caveat emptor! Game, set, match!” before ejecting an enormous bowl of strawberries and cream from his own hand, straight into the crowd of spectators.

Furthering the tension, tennis players were furious that the distraction sucked attention away from their game for several moments. “It’s an outrage!” one unnamed player shouted, winging his racket into the now strawberry-and-cream-covered crowd.

The spokesperson for Wimbledon shared the club's angst. "We thought we'd toss a bone to an old pilot-turned-chair maker. Won't make that mistake again."